Middleton Chess Society Headquarters Vandalized
This morning, the Night Patrol received an urgent call from Elmer "Checkmate" Yogle, informing them that the headquarters of the...
Student Killed in Chainsaw Factory Accident
John Miller, age 17, was killed last night in a bizarre chainsaw factory accident. According to reports, Miller snuck in to the factory...
BREAKING: Voter Fraud in Presidential Election
An anonymous missive was recently published and distributed regarding the Helen Huxler voter fraud scandal. Regardless of individual...
Student Incinerated in Car Accident
Ralph Carlson, age 17, was killed last night when his car spontaneously combusted and exploded on the Middleton Post Road. Bystanders...
Foreign Exchange Student Drowns in Washing Machine
Lumiere de Lafyette, age "dix-sept ans", a foreign exchange student from France, was found dead inside of his host family's washing...
Student Dies of Stomach Combustion
Mario Martinez, age 17, was found dead of a ruptured stomach. Apparently he had eaten too much yogurt and the resultant irritation caused...