Student Killed in Chainsaw Factory Accident

John Miller, age 17, was killed last night in a bizarre chainsaw factory accident. According to reports, Miller snuck in to the factory late at night in order to "throw back a few cold ones without getting hassled by the old lady". He apparently leaned back on an "on" switch, tripped onto a conveyer belt, and had a strip of chainsaw teeth pulled through his face before a giant metal press crushed him. Foul play is not suspected.

Miller will be remembered as a charming, handsome young man with a promising career in football.